So Yesterday was June 6th my Fathers birthday. I lost him October of 2008, it was extremely hard for me. My father and I did not have a great relationship from the time I was 12-13ish to right before I moved to VA. Okay let me back up so I can explain and you can understand.....
My parents divorced around the time I was 10ish and my father decided to move to VA for a woman he met online.... before that I was week to week between my parents houses. I along with my brother decided to go out to VA with my father, we stayed 7 months. My brother and I pleaded with him to take us back to Cali!!! and He did. He then decided he wanted to go back and gave my brother and I the option move back or stay with mom, I stayed with mom and my brother went with my dad. From that day forth my father and I did not have a great relationship and it only went downhill from there. I was angry he left and he did not like the life choices i was making. Made it very known he did not and we got into many arguments over who I was dating and the person I thought I was.
I only spoke to my father on birthdays and holidays for years after that. Then while in college I decided I needed something new and asked if I could go live with him better my life. He did not think I would like it so he kept trying to get me to stay in Fresno. He then called one day and I remember it like yesterday I was driving home from working at Bally total fitness as a personal trainer and he asked, "are you home?" "No" I replied. "I'm driving home why whats up?" He then asked me to call him when I got home. I told him no I could talk then.... so he agreed and then said. "I've been going to the doctor and I need to let you know I have pancreatic cancer....." My heart dropped and I did not know what to say..... I felt I needed to leave to VA right then. He then proceeded to say, "They are going to do surgery in a few weeks they think they can get it out before it spreads." I asked if i can go out and he said yes my brother,sister and I would all be able to go out there. So next week or so we got on a plane and out to VA we went. My father and I got into arguments there as well and I pleaded with my mother to fly me back to Cali after his surgery, which she did. Months went by..
He then came to visit and he had refinanced his house gave us all $500, he said to do something good with it. So I bought a ticket to VA to move I wanted a change.
Moved to VA November of 2007 and that is when My father and I relationship took a turn for the better!!! I got a job at American Family fitness as a trainer where I met my HUBBY!!!. Everything was going great I was talking with my dad living with him even crying to him when I was hurting about Ryan. It was amazing to have the relationship I should have always had with him!!! I really took advantage of having him. I was leaving from working out again in VA when I got a call from him. He once again asked if I was driving home. I said "No I'm about to get in the car." He asked me not to drive but go inside and sit down so he could talk to me. So I did, he then said "So you know I went to the doctor today and they said the cancer came back and I can do chemo to try to stall it but there is nothing else they can do." I cried. ""Did they give you anytime?" I asked. He replied, "6 months" . I can not explain the feeling of hurt, fear,anger.....etc.
The following months I watching my father get sick, skinny and sleep his life away. It hurt to see him hug him I was so afraid I would hurt him if I touched him. I felt so bad, I felt so bad I could not help....
His wife was a evil woman who treated him BAD after getting sick, mean to him throwing stuff at him and he wanted to leave. He then decided it was time to go back to Cali with his mother (My grandmother ) so she could properly take care of him. I drove him to the airport knowing that was my last time I was going to see him. Saying goodbye hurt more then anyone could ever imagine. My Aunt and Uncle flew with him.
I would talk with him over the phone the next few weeks and trying not to cry I would tell him everything was going to be fine and not to worry. Everything would be fine!! Everyone of us will be fine!!! Just relax we love him and I remember talking to him the last time on the phone. He was worried about the truck and Josh getting it. I told him he will get it I would make sure! I then told him I loved him so much and I am going to be just fine. I hung up the phone and cried so hard, I knew that was it.
Two Mornings later my Aunt called me around 6am..... I knew that it was THE CALL before I answered she said, "Tippy toes its auntie Cindy... your daddy passed away last night in his sleep very peacefully" and she started to cry. I dropped to my knees and cried, Ryan ran out of the bathroom grabbed the phone spoke to her for a minute and then hung up. He hugged me tighter then he ever had before and cried. My mother in law came in the room and hugged me tight too. I called into work that day and told them I am flying to Cali for his funeral arrangement's. I left the next day, I was so depressed in Cali all I did was lie in bed cry and eat pickles and dr pepper. I would take a shower and throw up stomach acid. I went home before the funeral since he was being cremated . I did not go to the viewing I was to scared to see him that way.
My Aunt took me out to lunch one of the days and asked if I was pregnant. She said she thought I looked like it. So I took a test that day at her house it came out negative. So when I went back home getting off the plain and seeing Ryan waiting for me was the best feeling I had all week long! I had missed him so much he was the only one who truly made me feel better. A week later I took another test and POSITIVE!!! I had lost my father but gained my daughter and I honestly believe it all happened for a reason!!! I miss and Love him terribly but I am so grateful to have my baby girl Kota. I know he is watching from the spirit world happy and seeing me grow up. Waiting for Ryan to do the work for him in the temple. Ryan has since gotten baptized for him. We are going back this month so he can receive the priesthood for him too!!!
So yesterday was a hard day for me since it was his birthday, everything that would not normally bug me did. I tried so hard to keep busy cleaning the van, car seats etc. Yet every time I spilled the cheerios or could not buckle car seat in I would cry. I found myself irritated so quickly over everything!!! from now on I am taking June 6th and October 2nd off!!! For me!!! I need it to keep sane. Today I woke up at 5 am since Teagan decided it was time to party. And even though today was a early day it has so far been great! I love my life and I am proud of my accomplishments and I know my father would be proud of me too!!! Any who that's the story hope you all have a wonderful day and weekend if I don't update by then !!!
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